// 2 Weeks with Linden

Today Linden is 16 days old... sixteen! What?! It's not so much a surprise that the past 16 days have flown by, but more so a surprise that I've actually survived them. It certainly hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns over here, folks. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm flustered. I'm stressed. But I'm also totally in love. I'll go ahead and warn you though... this post isn't overly poetic or lovely. It's pretty nitty gritty and real.

The first night home from the hospital was easily, hands down, the worst night of my life. Not only did I forget to fill my pain med prescription before coming home (emergency c-section, woo!), Linden refused to be soothed. Nothing we tried would work. He'd just scream and scream and scream. 7:30am Saturday rolled around and we finally got him to calm down enough to sleep with Mike in our bed. And then at 7:45am the banging on our roof started. Yeah, because apparently it's a totally brilliant idea to replace your roof (with a tin roof, nonetheless) the morning after you bring home a 2 day old newborn. I think I got all of 45 minutes sleep between the unbelievable pain (I couldn't sleep in our bed because I couldn't get up thanks to my incision), the screaming, and the hammering on the roof. My mom came over around 8:30am and I just cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. She was able to go fill my prescription and I tried getting sleep any time I could.

Sunday was a lot of the same... pain, crying, and hammering. But it was the following week that I was concerned with. Mike headed back to school on the Monday following Linden's birth and I was left with Linden and Toby, all on my own. I don't really remember much now that I try to think about it, but I know it wasn't easy. I've had a lot of trouble breastfeeding thus far, and usually that would end up with me crying four or five times a day (on a good day!), and just feeling like a failure. I finally called the lactation department at the hospital that Thursday, in absolute tears, begging to be seen. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in after a pediatrician's visit (you know, the fourth in five days...). The consultation went well, but it all started slipping away again once I tried to implement everything at home. I've seriously never felt so defeated in my life. Linden was losing weight, we had to start supplementing, and the cycle of "Worst Mom Ever!" just kept repeating itself. I know most of it was/is due to my hormones, but man, it was/is hard.

The weekend came and I was so relieved. Mike was be here to help me and Toby headed to his grandparents' house. But Linden decided that weekends are no fun for him and that's when he really wants to get upset. And of course the roof work continued. A family friend who has worked in the maternity ward as an RN for a while came by on Sunday to help me with breastfeeding at home. Those 2 hours were life-changing. I felt like I could actually do it for once. Of course we're still supplementing and still having some challenges, but I'm hoping I can hold it together and power through. I never knew how hard breastfeeding was... It always seemed like it came so naturally for so many mothers. Of course I have a whole post written in my head about this topic so maybe I'll get around to actually typing it up before long.

This week was a bit of a doozy because Linden has been very fussy (thanks first growth spurt!) I haven't slept in our bed in over a week and a half, but instead have been building a pillow fortress on the couch and trying to catch a few minutes of shut eye in between crying spells. Mike finally migrated out to the couch with me, and I often hand Linden off around 5am so I can get at least an hour of sleep before waking Toby up for school. Speaking of school, Toby started kindergarten this week! Yesterday was his first full day and he'll go 3 days next week. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get it all together to drop him off, but it went smoother than expected. I hope the same can be said for next week. I totally cried after dropping him off this morning because he said he didn't need me to walk him in. He totally had it. He was eager and willing to head straight into a brand new school all on his own. I cried because I was overwhelmed with pride (he's so independent!), fear (I was so worried he'd be scared) and exhaustion (because newborn). I breathed a sigh of relief when we picked him up from school and he said he had an amazing first day.

Right now I'm just trying to survive. I'm seriously in survival mode. It's hard and exhausting, but I know I'll miss these first precious weeks once he's bigger. I'm trying to not let the stress get the best of me. It's difficult since Mike is in school full-time and I'm trying to work and juggle the baby. Most days I am confined to the couch for all hours of the day unless Mike is here to relieve me. He's been amazing though... taking the baby as soon as he gets home, letting me grab an hour or two of sleep while he manages dinner, bath time, and tucking Toby into bed. It's an adjustment for all of us. I've been reading a lot of breastfeeding articles and watching a bunch of videos, and I just keep trying to remind myself that every mother goes through this tough phase. It's normal. I'm hoping the Baby Blues don't wash over me. For now I'm just trying to remind myself that this precious little creature was created by my body and I am fully capable of nurturing and sustaining it. Some days I feel like I might be at my wit's end, but then he snuggles into the crook of my arm and all seems right with the world. 

I know, it's not the overly sweet and poetic post I had thought I would write about our first couple of weeks at home, but it's the truth. I definitely want to remember all of the amazing/magical/sweet moments of being a new mom, but I also promised myself I'd be totally honest with my experience (if even just for my own sake). Luckily I have several mom friends who had babies around the same time as me and I can lean on them for support, guidance, or just general commiserating. We're making it... and that's the important part. I'm so grateful for this experience, but I certainly didn't expect it to be this hard haha. Naive, much?

// Maternity (+ Family) Photos - v.3 - Him and Honey

The last of the maternity photos Mike shot of me. These were taken in Big Lagoon State Park in Florida on our vacation. They're by far my favorite of the bunch. It's hard to believe this belly is no more, but what an experience! I'm going to cherish these photos forever.

And we really wanted to get a few family snaps, too, so our sweet friend Jenna offered to nab a few of us one (sweaty!) Saturday afternoon. We forgot to take into consideration the lens would be foggy after getting the camera out of a nice air conditioned car, so we only have a few, but they're so so special! My heart! (Toby's dirty little feet are my absolute favorite)... Now to work on getting photos of all four of us!

* You can see more of our film photography at Him + Honey. If you're interested in booking your own shoot, shoot us a message via our contact page! And thank you to Jenna for sharing her afternoon with us!

// Linden Atlas Flynn

Hello world! There's a new face to show off around these parts. Our sweet little dude made his grand entrance on Wednesday and we have been absolutely over the moon ever since. Labor and delivery were the absolute opposite of what we had "planned" for, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat because he was worth absolutely every second of it. We headed home from the hospital Friday night and we've been working to find our groove ever since. If you follow me on Instagram then you're probably totally over the baby spam already, but I'm going to soak up every little ounce of this that I can because goodness knows they don't stay little for long. He's already five days old!

Ahh! He's here! I'm still pinching myself... Welcome to the world, Linden. You are perfect! xo

// Maternity Photos - v.2 - Him and Honey

And here's the second installment of the maternity photos Mike shot of me a couple of weeks ago. I know, I know! I should have pared it down to a less embarrassing amount of photos, but I wasn't even planning on sharing these. Then I realized that the actual second batch of materntiy photos we shot (in Florida) won't be back for a couple of weeks and I remembered I had these of me and Toby. You even get the ones where I'm making derp faces and looking cross-eyed. And check out my weird feet in several of them, too! haha! The one where I'm sitting on the rock and then the last one... what was I even doing?!

The random snaps of me in the grey dress were when Mike and I were taken right after we got finished photographing Sara and her family. We were trying to test out the lighting for the situation and I figured I'd toss those in, too. The photos with the chambray top were from the next day at our small family baby shower in Lawrenceburg. I had planned on shooting a handful of different outfits but I just couldn't hang. I was totally convinced these photos would be a total wash and I'd be out of luck. The ones with Toby are some of my absolute favorites. I definitely plan on getting one of them framed or something. He's just so precious! We planned on snapping a few more in Florida, just to take advantage of the different scenery and the fact we'd have some extra eyes to capture a few of us as a family, but that just didn't happen. We did get some solo ones of me while we were walking around the camp area, but sadly our big family session got bumped due to some very last minute changes in plans. I'm still crossing my fingers there's a slight chance a friend can help us out this weekend if possible, but I might just have to deal with the fact we won't have any film photos of all 3 of us. (I know we could hire someone else to take the photos, but we really dig the look and feel of our film work, and unfortunately the other photographers here in Nashville that shoot a similar look/feel are crazy expensive! I'd rather spend that cash on hiring someone to get photos of all four of us instead. Maybe we'll resort to the timer again... haha) Thanks for letting me spam your interwebs with photos of my huge bump. And yes, this means there will likely be a "round three" from Florida in a few weeks because apparently I don't know any better. :P xo

You can see more of our film photography at Him + Honey. If you're interested in booking your own shoot, shoot us a message via our contact page! I'd *love* to be on the other side of some maternity sessions!

P.S; I'm 37 weeks today! Full term, baby! My mind is blown.

// Labor Beds + Uncertainty

I've been getting comfortable in the Labor + Delivery ward at my hospital the past couple of weeks... and by comfortable I mean seeing far more of them than I'd like. (And being insanely uncomfortable to boot... Those labor beds are awful!)  I did a half-day stint at 34 weeks for fetal monitoring, and then spent another day in there yesterday. Y'all, this last stretch of pregnancy is wearing me out. 

One of the scariest things about pregnancy is that you just never know what to expect. Despite reading countless books, articles, forums, etc, I never really know what's "normal" and not. Last week in Florida I started experiencing some weird symptoms (for me) and just generally felt awful. False labor pains, nausea, etc. After calling my doctor on Monday we decided to play it cool until my appointment today (Wednesday). Unfortunately my body wasn't having it. Monday night I noticed that the baby had stopped moving entirely, and despite my best efforts to move him with orange juice, ice water and good old fashioned poking, he wasn't having it. I woke up to the same thing. Even the bathtub couldn't wrangle him into a wiggle. Then I had a crazy bad headache and nausea, so Mike took my blood pressure. And it was pretty sky high, which was weird. I had done a whole lot of nothing all day aside from tinker with some design work on the computer. My doctor had already closed for the day so we hopped in the car and headed to the hospital. 

I was admitted for several hours of monitoring, fluids and tests, and I was having regular contractions every 5 minutes or so. Oh joy! The baby's heartbeat was quickly picked up (thank goodness!), but it was bounding like crazy. From his general baseline of ~160, he was accelerating to 202 and then crashing down to 97 in seconds. Of course I didn't (don't?) really know what any of that meant, but luckily my blood pressure stabilized (and then got really low?!) and his variables were very short in duration. After hours and hours of being hooked up to continuous fetal monitoring and vitals, my butt and back were killing me! Seriously those beds are the single most uncomfortable piece of furniture I've ever laid on haha Luckily all of my tests came back clear and the doctor thinks maybe the baby's variables are due to him rolling around on the cord or grabbing it. Not to mention I seem to be continuously dehydrated no matter what. I should hopefully know more today. This whole thing is so nerve wracking. Never knowing what is what, or why it is. 

I'm just really grateful I had Mike with me yesterday because he really proved himself to be an advocate for both me and the baby. I always knew it was important to have that support system there, but I didn't realize just how invaluable it was. He knew what questions to ask, when to elaborate on answers that I was short with, and he stayed on top of everything in the time that I was there. It certainly wasn't the most fun way to spend an evening/night, but I know I would have been far more scared had he not been with me (like the first time when it was just me, Toby and my Nana!) And I'm so grateful that we had family we could leave Toby with for the day because that kid likes to tinker with hospital equipment ha.

Being admitted, even if only for a short time, made me realize just how much we have to do before this baby comes. He could be here any minute! And of course that doesn't help when you've been told to take it easy. From here on out, I'm letting my body just do it's thing. If I want to rest, I'll rest. Work will be there when I'm done. If I want to sleep in, I'm going to sleep in. After a solid week and a half or more of pushing my body to perform, I'm starting to pay for it. I have to try and remember that I'm on this baby's schedule... he's not on mine. (But seriously, Baby Flynn, please bake a little while longer! I'm really not ready!) Now that I'm officially 36 weeks, I'm just hoping my doctor won't be all "Okay! You're having a baby next week!" when I go in for my appointment today... Cross your fingers for us! My very best friend is getting married in 2 days and I'm supposed to stand next to her, but I'm so worried that my doctor is going to nix the whole thing. Traveling by car to Chicago at 9+ months probably sounds absolutely insane, but I really hope we're able to be there! Pregnancy is such a crazy, eye opening experience. I think he's making me pay for the smooth sailing in this last little stretch because holy moly I've reached that point of being uncomfortable 24/7 haha! xo

// Maternity Photos - v.1 - Him and Honey

Mike snapped some film maternity photos of me a couple of weeks ago after we wrapped up a client shoot. They actually almost didn't happen at all because goodness gracious you would not believe the amount of heat and humidity we were battling that day! My friend Sara did my makeup before we photographed her family and seriously, not even 5 minutes into the shoot I was drenched in sweat. It was not a good look! haha Luckily she's quite the pro and she worked her magic with my makeup because it surprisingly didn't sweat off! Granted every bit of curl fell out of my hair and I was a walking frizz ball, but I'm so in love with the pictures regardless.

I know it's a bit self-indulgent to post so many photos of myself (I should edit tighter!), but every time I look at these photos I get butterflies. Even with the big ol' belly and the sweat that just won't stop, I am cherishing each and every moment of this pregnancy. I'm turning into one of those people... You know, the ones who wax poetic about everything. I can't help it. 

Someone on Instagram commented that I looked like "Mother Nature" in these photos, and ever since then I've just been so in love with that thought. A huge part of me is so sad that this experience is almost over, but I know what's waiting on the other side is even better... I'll be sharing the second round of photos soon! xo

You can see more of our film photography at Him + Honey. If you're interested in booking your own shoot, shoot us a message via our contact page! -- A huge thank you to my amazing husband for making me feel like a million bucks, even when dripping in sweat.